I believe.

I believe you.
Read that, and know it. 
I.
Believe.
You.

And you are not alone. 

I know what it feels like to feel helpless. And hopeless. 
To feel paralyzed and to feel pummeled--sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally.

I know what it is like to feel so overwhelmed by the prospect of disentangling two lives that have been intertwined for over 15 years--not to mention the one , or two, or three lives that have sprouted and taken root in the underbrush.

I know what it's like to try so hard to not to react, to stand tall and strong and silent. Like the tree weathering a storm. To show them that you are better than his words--that you are worth more than his disrespect.

They have seen too much, too many times.

I have put my children to bed with silent tears and shaking hands and a shaking voice that's barely able to whisper "Good Night" and "I'm sorry" and "Everything's going to be okay", "Just go to sleep", "Mommy's fine." 

I have gone to bed--or sometimes the couch--wondering if I am fine.

I have lain awake trying to remember ALL THE WORDS. What was said and how. And why. Really, why? Even when I know in my head it is not really about me it doesn't feel better in my heart. Even if I don't feel guilty I still feel ashamed.

I know what it's like to wake the next day and wonder if it really happened like I remember and wonder if it's even over. And wonder if it should all be over.

I have thought through every scenario. I have processed the actions, the reactions, I have thought through the to-do's (call a lawyer, start a new account, lock my phone, change my passwords, find an apartment) and the don'ts (don't let him find out, don't let THEM find out).

I have wondered what they feel, what they want know, how much they understand or who they will blame. That--that is exactly when I feel paralyzed again.

I have tried so hard not to care about the material things that are destroyed--countless remotes and cell phones, flower pots, laptops, the coffee table, a treasured figurine. Gone. So much shrapnel in a war no one is winning. 

But in reality those losses are minor. The biggest casualties are my confidence and their trust. 

I believe there will be a point at which the uncertain future is greater than what has already passed and the battle you choose to fight will be worth more in the end than everything you have already lost. If not, than you would have started fighting it before now.

I will never tell you any of this is easy. I know what it's like to have this conversation with yourself. Many times. Too many. There are so many little steps that are easy to accomplish. But when you can see the end of your path and the turns it will take and the toll it will take--each little step seems like the first domino. Don't touch it!

It will seem that there is no good decision to be made. It is so hard to walk this line. Each storm passes--and quickly--relative to what you are imagining. Months (Years?) of contention and slow torture. For you , for them. THIS. THIS is why you wait. 

Never ask what you are waiting for. The answer is never good. And if you are asking yourself a question that you already know the answer to, then you may be just putting it off again. I know what THAT feels like too.  

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you. I ask myself the same questions and keep getting the same answers. 

Regardless of the decision you make--or don't--just know that I believe you, and you are not alone. And I know what it's like to just not know.

Earthquake

I cannot be the one.

Dropping this bomb,
swinging the hammer,
unleashing a wrecking ball on everything they know and take comfort in.

I want them to know. I want to know how they feel, what they think, what they want.

But knowing is the very thing that cannot be undone. Words cannot be unheard.

I cannot unleash the tidal wave of emotion that will overcome them upon knowing.  I do not want to be that thing that affects a complete shifting of the very ground beneath their feet.

If he is a hurricane, a storm that blows then is calm, a tornado that touches down and wreaks havoc; I do not want to be the earthquake that shakes them at their core.

I am trying to be a tree. A pillar of strength, something stable and life-giving.
But this tree cannot weather such storms for too much longer.

Broken

I have often fantasized about his death. Nothing that I have caused. A careless truck driver. A fire.
Then a knock at the door and sympathetic eyes. A secret small silent sigh of relief. And release.

Freedom.

Don't misunderstand. The violence that is, is generally directed at inanimate objects and walls.  But don't underestimate the toll it takes on you after years of watching harmless objects, possessions, sometimes treasures, fly around the room becoming victims of a rage
and
representing the shrapnel of a broken relationship.
Broken heart.

Maybe a broken mind.

Love Lesson

I feel you move, I watch you breathe
The tangible helps me believe
You cannot prove, what you don't feel
You cannot say this is not real

So much to do, so much to say
'Cause I can't let you get away
Unwittingly, I succumb
The power of one less in love

You could lie, you could cheat
My foolish heart is my defeat
I think I see, but I am blind
Lessons learned do not remind

You cannot do, you cannot say
You cannot make me go away
Impossible to overcome
The power of one less in love

I keep myself within your grip
I bought my ticket for this trip
The knowing does not help me say
I am through with the charade

Impossible to overcome
The power of one less in love